Thing to get off my chest

This thing has been bugging me for a long long time. This relationship with whom I thought were my friends, having known them since my teenage years. Honestly, if it wasn't for 2 of my closest pals, I wouldn't have known either of them, much less be close to them.

I mean my 2 pals were absolutely smitten with them sisters. The 5 of us grew close over time. Went from being just girlfriends to my pals to being engaged and then, married. All the while, I began treating them like siblings. We went on holidays together. Visited one another very often. All their parents knew me and my wife.

Then, things began unravelling.

One of my pals spent time for criminal breach of trust while his wife stayed loyal and waited for him to be released. His wife was the younger sister and was a very patient woman. Cut things short, they finally got divorced over a year ago. All the while, I, stupidly and naively, thought I could help mend their marriage, realising now, I was only papering over the cracks and delaying the inevitable. Truth be told, I was being used to help sway everything her way. So, she got the house, the kids, everything. Not that my pal would have put up a strong fight in the first place. For I know, it killed him the day he signed the papers.

Honestly, it wasn't just me. Even my wife got sucked into all that pity line she was spewing to all and sundry. Had a major shock when someone I barely knew back in school asked me what was going on between them. I then found out that she had been sharing her sob story to every one who was going to listen. And boy, did she play that role.

Now, I'm seeing signs of trouble between my other pal and the older sister. Keeping my distance this time. After what happened the last time we had a chat, you're treading this path on your own, unless you ask me for advise.

Good luck buddy.

That realisation

I just realised what a terrible husband and what a horrible person I am.

The better half made me realise all that. Yeah, I'll admit that I do feel the need to feel that I am better than others. And that cascades down to my relationship with her.

Lately, she's been coming home tired and unable to do the housework. Much to my chagrin, I did everything from laundry to kitchen. All the while muttering under my breath. All the while harbouring disdain while she slept.

And when I justify that, I was shot down faster than an Indian fighter jet.

Well, I guess I deserved what was coming. Must learn that I am not that much better than those around me.

Work-Life Balance

Singaporeans are hard-working people, period.

We are one of the most hardworking people in the world. Just look at the nhmber of public holidays we get per year. 11, a measly 11. Far behind what our neighbors enjoy. Even the industrious Japanese get something like 18 days.

We don't work 9 to 5. We work 8 to 6. Some leave home before the sun rises and gets home after the sun sets, leaving precious little for social, personal and family time. One of those precious holidays is the Lunar New Year, where the streets and malls of our sunny island gets practically deserted.

We work so hard that sometimes we forget about those important things in life. Things far more important than work, such as family, health and friends. You see, some of us feel the burdened by the responsibilities of work, that we neglect the reasons we work.

My boss gave me a piece of advice which I hold. He said, "Work is work. No matter whether you are here or not, work carries on. No one is indispensible, anywhere. If something happens to you today, tomorrow, someone else will take over your work. Always remember the reasons why you work and who you are doing this work for. It should never be for your employer, cos your employer will not take care of you when you are sick. At the most, you get condolences and a wreath."

Which brings me to why I am feeling aggrieved. My 2 yr old had a bout of fever and upset stomach leading to vomitting and diarrhoea. Things got worse on the day after the 2 days of Lunar New Year. I was already at the office when I got the call thay he vomitted twice and shit his pants twice. I took 2 days off.

My other half decided she could only take time off work on Thursday and went back to work after accompanying my son and I to the doc. Now, I have no qualms taking care of my kids on my own, I really don't. However, the reason for her not taking the day off for her sick son really bothered me.

Worse to follow was me having to do all the housework till 2am, including washing, airing and folding laundry till 2am while she slept from 10pm really got to me. Not only that, I vacuumed and mopped the whole house on account of my sick son. Her reason for not taking care of our son was that she got tons of work to do and can ill-afford the tine away from work.

If that is not hardworking, I don't know what is. For now, I am just keeping score.

A new beginning, perhaps...

Hello me!

It's been a while, a really long while.

Since the last time I penned (or typed) my thoughts down, a lot has changed. The family has grown to party of 6. Nope, there won't be a 7th. The 4th one is a constant reminder of how old, flabby, unfit and ill-equipped I really am. Yup, even after 4 kids, I am learning that I really am ill-equipped.

Why, one might ask, do I feel this way?

Simple, the more I learn, the less I know, I've come to realize. Parenting isn't what it used to be. I've learnt that parents need to learn the language with which our kids communicate. We need to be in tune to the challenges and the needs of their generation. Where we once thrived in a hands-off approach, the new generation doesn't seem to be able to function without guidance. While, there are instances where my kids have shown their independence, my wife and I find ourselves interjecting just when we thought they knew the drill.

We went through some talks about parenting in this age, and what we learnt is that we have to know when to step in and when to let them be. Easier said than done. When asked who her BFF in school was, my wife and I got worried when my 12-year old answered nonchalantly that she had none. Then, I worried she was going to be an old spinster living on her own accompanied by 50 cats. Well, that's just me.

My soon to be 9 year old, on the other hand, is growing up to be somewhat independent while managing to be oblivious to his surroundings. I mean, he knows the drills, but needs constant reminder that it's time to do those drills. We have to constantly sit him down and help him achieve his nirvana for him to accomplish his tasks properly. Now, I don't subscribe to ADHD/ADD and all that. I just don't think it's healthy for him to be labelled as such and have it define him. I will not allow him to any of us to limit his potential by saying that there are limits to what he can do.

The third one is a princess. A real princess. She loves to be pampered, she loves the attention and there is a proper way to do thing - her way. If she is forced to do things in a way that does not please her, she'd breakdown. Apart from that, she's just daddy's lil princess. She'd rather be with me than with her grandparents or aunt, no matter how much she is bribed by rewards of a nice holiday or what not. Can't blame her for that - daddy's awesome.

The last one, the baby, the boy who can't stop is pretty much like Jack Jack in the Incredibles 2. A hoot to have around; if you can live with the mess he leaves behind. His boundless energy leaves all of us gasping for air and on the verge of tapping out. We won't have it any other way. He was unplanned, but God has better plans for us.

Now, why do I suddenly feel the urge to pen down my thoughts here again and awaken the dormant beast? Simple, too much on my mind and my self-imposed exile from social media, namely Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Need that avenue to rave and rant as I have always done without putting a face or name to anyone.

I miss that...

Time for reflections

It's 9 day into the fasting month, and all seems ok. In my last post, I mentioned about 2 of my friends having marital problems. Well, one has just started her divorce proceeding while the other seems to have taken my advice and is working hard on her marriage. Well, I sincerely hope and pray that whatever happens.it's for the best.

It's also National Day today. A day we celebrate our independence. A month we fly our flags with pride and partake in the festivities of the National Day Parade. Or do we?

For one, I've never hung the National Flag outside my house. secondly, I've never watched the National Day Parade live except on TV. Lastly, most years, I'm on holiday away from Singapore, invariably, KL. My parents, always cynical about the government, always said that it's just a PR excercise replete with the chest-thumping and cheering.

Frankly, I couldn't care less.

Why the apathy? I love my country tho, just that I detest the way it's been run over the years. Yes, some said do not mix national pride with political alignment. Really? Then, why do I see a PAP contingent at every National Day Parade?

Over the years, the influx of foreigners has been a major sticking point. And it hit raw nerves everytime I read abt the foreigners making it look like this is their country. I have, at times, clenched my fist and take deep breaths in trying not to blow my top and spout expletives towards them.

Disillusioned, defnitely. Till we have a democratic society based on justice and equality, I'll probably never have that much pride in National Day.

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Captain Invisible and the weight of the world on his shoulders......

Some things just don't change do they. It's tiring and trying.

For the longest time, I've had to deal with this. It's like trying to pull a strand of hair from a pile of flour without making a mess or breaking that hair. Difficult? I think it's much easier than having to go thru this.

Thing is, I still don't get any respect from my in-laws' family. They hardly ever talk to me. They hardly ever ask me for help even though it is my help that they need. They never say thanks to me. And if they need my help, they ask of it through my wife. So what does that make me? The President of Singapore? A rubber stamp?

The whole issue is my FIL has had a stomach operation about a month ago. The diagnosis, in the end was colorectal cancer, I think. I've never really gotten along with my BILs, 10 years after first meeting them. And that is not about to change anytime soon. Thing is, my dealings with them over these last few weeks only reinforces that.

How could a son actually suggested putting his father in a nursing home while he recovers from an operation?
How could a son pass the buck and ask his younger sister to take care of his father? Am I invisible here? There's no need to ask the head of your sister's family?
How could a son ask his sister to thank his wife for taking care of his father? Is not enough that you thank your wife?

It's bad, but I still can take it. My wife, being a dutiful daughter sought my permission to bring her father to a sinseh or Chinese Traditional Medicine Practitioner to get medicine for him when he already has the chemo medication which costs $800. I said no. Told her to wait till Saturday. Told her in no uncertain terms that her father and brother asked for her help, not mine.

What pissed me off was my wife asking me to take leave to bring her dad to the sinseh despite my having told her to wait till Saturday, I was being bugged to take time off when I simply can't.

It gets old. Here I am, 3 kids and 5 years on from when this problem first surfaced back in 2006, still facing the same problems. Still Captain Invisible with the weight of the world on my shoulders........

The need to spread my seeds..........

A friend confided in me about her marital problems. Seems like after all these years, the impression I've left on her is one of a trustworthy friend. I'm honored.

It all started cos a mutual friend is going through a stick patch, what with her husband publicly changing his status from being married to his wife to being in a relationship with his girlfriend. Guess still waters runs deep, I guess. All this while, they were a picture perfect family. Always doing things together. Or, so I thought. But I'm not gonna speculate.

The question my friend asked me is why betray her trust and has all her sacrifices for the family for naught?

It's kinda hard isn't it? To try and make sense of the nonsensical. When news break of such betrayals, it makes it even harder. It's hard to try rationalising why such things happen, but the fact of the matter is, it does. No matter how we gloss over the facts, it's there, like a bad zit that just wun go away.

I told her, quite simply, I can't judge her husband or her, simply because I do not know their relationship and the dynamics of it although I know both of them personally. The thing about guys is, we do not equate love with sex while women do. Using the analogy of cars, I told her that a guy will test drive a few cars before he settles for one. Even then, he will still test drive other cars just to get a feel of it. Women, on the other hand, buys the car and feels contented as long as the car does its job.

Man is weak. He needs no invitations to vice. In fact, he'll seek it out just to see how far he can go. And go he will. Plain and simple.

I'm not saying that cheating is tolerable and to be expected cos once you've signed that document, you are committing your life to that once person. But in reality, it's much more easier to say than to actually commit to it. The question that needs to be answered is whether one can forgive their spouse and whether or not they can live with past transgressions.

Assuming the answer is yes, the road ahead is rocky and full of potholes, but if one makes it through, the results might just be that much more gratifying.

If the answer is no, then there's not much else to say, is there?