Tick tock tick tock.........
The seconds tick by..........
Sitting at his desk, staring at the screen, fingers furiously punching away at the keyboard, he's slowly approaching the defining moment in his life. As he waits for the call that may come at anytime, his thoughts meander through the labyrinths in his mind. Seconds turns to minutes, minutes turns to hours. Questions abound. Questions that have been tearing away at him for the last few months. Questions he could not answer. Now, as the hour approaches, the questions that has been hanging over him seems more and more like a burden he is struggling to shoulder.
The greatest gift - that's what some call it, even if the gift comes with loads of responsibilities. Nevertheless, he knows it's a responsibility that will provide him with an array of intangible benefits, not to mention his source of happiness and pride. At the same time, the burden of responsibilty weighs heavily on his mind, not knowing if he can fulfil his responsibilities and knowing that he'll be answerable for any of his failings. As he grapples with the uncertainties that follows, he leaves it to the Almighty to show him the right path.
Many a father has gone through what I am going through right now as will many more after me, comforting himself in the knowledge that it will all be allright.
A bit dramatic, I'd readily admit. Not every dad-to-be wallows in melodramatic notions. But in the stillness of the nights and in between the lull hours at the office, that's what goes through my mind. Having been married for 4 years, many would say it's high time we started a family. We have never planned to start a family late, in fact, there was no plan. It was just a ride we took from that beautiful day on 7th June 2003 and never got off. I mean, we didn't really make any plans as to when to have a baby, we sort of just got on with life and if it came along, good, else we'd just go on.
Well, that day arrived 8 mths ago when the nurse at KKH said, "Congratulations, you're pregnant" to her. Initially, it was more of a shock than anything else. The realisation that I was soon to be a father did not really sink in till the next day. It was then that I began to have questions in my mind as to my ability to provide for my wife and daughter. I began to reflect on the past 3 and a half years of marriage and asked if I had been a good enough husband and if I could be a good father. As much as a resounding YES would have done a great deal to boost my ego, I know that from that moment, my ego will always come second to my wife's and my child's needs.
With those 3 words, my priorities immediately changed. Gone were the dream of owning that flash car, that cool gadget and that swanky AV system for my home. Those are no longer my personal priorities though I'd be a damn fool to say no to them if the opportunity arises. In their places, my only dream right now is to raise my family well, and hopefully do well enough that my family and I has a place in His good graces.
It's all about her now. No turning back, no quitting.
As for the questions that hang over me, they are still there. And most probably will remain there till the day that I die, for I am only the executor of His will and He will be the one to judge me when the time comes.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Al Fatihah........
For those who have read about the missing 8-yr old who disappeared after going to a night market in Petaling Jaya. She has been confirmed to be the dead girl found stuffed into the sports bag....
I can only say that I feel the grief of the girl's parents and pray that the monster who did this is caught and given the just punishments.
http://www.nst.com.my/Current_News/NST/Thursday/Frontpage/20070920142056/Article/index_html
I can only say that I feel the grief of the girl's parents and pray that the monster who did this is caught and given the just punishments.
http://www.nst.com.my/Current_News/NST/Thursday/Frontpage/20070920142056/Article/index_html
Between love and beliefs
I'd go to the edges of the world for you........My heart is yours forever....
Just some of the sweet nothings we have, at one point in our lives, whispered into the ears of our significant other. Deeply in love, smitten by the imagery of bliss, we'd give anything to be with our other half. Just how far we'd go is subjective.
Admittedly, I once felt that same overwhelming feeling of euphoric excitement when my then-gf reciprocated my feelings for her. I could have shouted, "I'm the king of the world" while standing at the top of Mount Faber when we were officially together. The feeling of being in love is probably the greatest feeling in the world, the only other thing that probably comes close is the initial reaction of someone who's won first prize in TOTO or 4D. I wouldn't know of the latter as I never did try my luck, and probably never will.
Why am I talking about this is because of a chat with a good friend of mine about how some people would risk cutting familial ties for the sake of their love. Honestly, I do find it disturbing that there are people who'd risk everything they have in their life to pursue a love they desire. While I am disturbed that they'd forsake their religion, I'm even more shocked at their decision to cut familial ties to be with the one they love. Renouncing Islam, for me, is between you and God, but being disowned by your family has more repercussions as it involves the very people who gave birth and raised us.
I know of a malay lady who did just that. We used to work together. I did ask her once if she was brought up a muslim and she concurred. However, I dared not question her decision to lead an atheistic life now with her non-Muslim husband. While I know of some Indian Muslim guys from my reservist unit who were Muslims when I first met them, but have since, changed their names and seen wearing crosses. Another ex-colleague of mine re-converted back to Hinduism after his marriage broke down. I do wonder sometimes if the euphoria of our love for someone can be more compelling than our beliefs.
I'm not sure if I am daring enough to walk that path. I'm not even sure if I can love a girl more than I love my family. For me, if it ever came down to having to choose between the 2, I'd probably be plumping for the family, though, that in itself represents a gut-wrenching decision which I pray I'd never have to make. Luckily for me, my wife, despite her failings, loves me too much to ever put me through it. I just hope that those people who forsook their family for their love never have to go through a divorce as they'll have no family to turn to if the love they risked everything for breaks down
Oh, and I am not even talking about those Malays who confess to be Muslims, but do not live by it. Well, as the Mat Rock would say, "Lu punya kubur lu jaga, gua punya kubur gua jaga." (You worry of your grave, and I'll worry about mine)
Just some of the sweet nothings we have, at one point in our lives, whispered into the ears of our significant other. Deeply in love, smitten by the imagery of bliss, we'd give anything to be with our other half. Just how far we'd go is subjective.
Admittedly, I once felt that same overwhelming feeling of euphoric excitement when my then-gf reciprocated my feelings for her. I could have shouted, "I'm the king of the world" while standing at the top of Mount Faber when we were officially together. The feeling of being in love is probably the greatest feeling in the world, the only other thing that probably comes close is the initial reaction of someone who's won first prize in TOTO or 4D. I wouldn't know of the latter as I never did try my luck, and probably never will.
Why am I talking about this is because of a chat with a good friend of mine about how some people would risk cutting familial ties for the sake of their love. Honestly, I do find it disturbing that there are people who'd risk everything they have in their life to pursue a love they desire. While I am disturbed that they'd forsake their religion, I'm even more shocked at their decision to cut familial ties to be with the one they love. Renouncing Islam, for me, is between you and God, but being disowned by your family has more repercussions as it involves the very people who gave birth and raised us.
I know of a malay lady who did just that. We used to work together. I did ask her once if she was brought up a muslim and she concurred. However, I dared not question her decision to lead an atheistic life now with her non-Muslim husband. While I know of some Indian Muslim guys from my reservist unit who were Muslims when I first met them, but have since, changed their names and seen wearing crosses. Another ex-colleague of mine re-converted back to Hinduism after his marriage broke down. I do wonder sometimes if the euphoria of our love for someone can be more compelling than our beliefs.
I'm not sure if I am daring enough to walk that path. I'm not even sure if I can love a girl more than I love my family. For me, if it ever came down to having to choose between the 2, I'd probably be plumping for the family, though, that in itself represents a gut-wrenching decision which I pray I'd never have to make. Luckily for me, my wife, despite her failings, loves me too much to ever put me through it. I just hope that those people who forsook their family for their love never have to go through a divorce as they'll have no family to turn to if the love they risked everything for breaks down
Oh, and I am not even talking about those Malays who confess to be Muslims, but do not live by it. Well, as the Mat Rock would say, "Lu punya kubur lu jaga, gua punya kubur gua jaga." (You worry of your grave, and I'll worry about mine)
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Marriage changes us
A friend asked me the other day if I would be willing to change a bad habit which my wife loathes. That took some thinking.
One bad habit I have of wiping my hands dry on my clothes after washing them instead of using a hand towel or a paper towel. My wife hates it and goes to great lengths to remind or chide me whenever I do it in front of her. Still, I do it occasionally.
It's not so much of a intentional thing to irritate her but it's a habit which I have been so used to since young, even my mom nagged me about it all the time. It's kinda automated - I look around for a towel or something and if I see nothing, the t-shirt or shorts seems OK. I believe that we all conciously try to improve ourselves but at times, we fall into that lulling sense of comfort that we revert back to the bad habits that has been ingrained.
When I was single, I didn't really care much about what people used to say about my bad habits. I thought, why should you care, you are not my mother. Funny thing is, I didn't really register much of what my mom used to nag at me either. There's this degree of indignance with which we regarded all manner of advice coming from those whom we think aren't qualified to judge us. I used to listen and cringe when girls tell me, I am who I am, and if a guy can't accept my flaws, then he doesn't deserve me. Or something along those lines.
Looking back, the need to be loved as we were was so paramount that it overshadowed everything else, including the wisdom of said advice. That idealistic thought of being loved for who we are often clouds our judgement. Most of the time, the very people uttering those indignant words can be found contradicting themselves later, attempting to change themselves when "the one" comes along.
Honestly, I was guilty of pretty much the same thing. I thought a girl should love me for who I am and accept all my flaws. Then, I got married and I realised that as much as she should love me for all that I am, I have to make sure she continues to love me by eradicating the bad habits and others that she doesn't like. I wish she thinks the same way too. At the end of the day, it's those little things in life that makes or breaks your life.
Marriage changes us in more ways than we realise. Some of us eradicate our bad habits, some cut ties with old friends the spouse is uncomfortable with, some would swallow their pride and take all the crap that comes while those who don't adapt, more often than not, don't last. As resistant we are to change, it is necessary.
One bad habit I have of wiping my hands dry on my clothes after washing them instead of using a hand towel or a paper towel. My wife hates it and goes to great lengths to remind or chide me whenever I do it in front of her. Still, I do it occasionally.
It's not so much of a intentional thing to irritate her but it's a habit which I have been so used to since young, even my mom nagged me about it all the time. It's kinda automated - I look around for a towel or something and if I see nothing, the t-shirt or shorts seems OK. I believe that we all conciously try to improve ourselves but at times, we fall into that lulling sense of comfort that we revert back to the bad habits that has been ingrained.
When I was single, I didn't really care much about what people used to say about my bad habits. I thought, why should you care, you are not my mother. Funny thing is, I didn't really register much of what my mom used to nag at me either. There's this degree of indignance with which we regarded all manner of advice coming from those whom we think aren't qualified to judge us. I used to listen and cringe when girls tell me, I am who I am, and if a guy can't accept my flaws, then he doesn't deserve me. Or something along those lines.
Looking back, the need to be loved as we were was so paramount that it overshadowed everything else, including the wisdom of said advice. That idealistic thought of being loved for who we are often clouds our judgement. Most of the time, the very people uttering those indignant words can be found contradicting themselves later, attempting to change themselves when "the one" comes along.
Honestly, I was guilty of pretty much the same thing. I thought a girl should love me for who I am and accept all my flaws. Then, I got married and I realised that as much as she should love me for all that I am, I have to make sure she continues to love me by eradicating the bad habits and others that she doesn't like. I wish she thinks the same way too. At the end of the day, it's those little things in life that makes or breaks your life.
Marriage changes us in more ways than we realise. Some of us eradicate our bad habits, some cut ties with old friends the spouse is uncomfortable with, some would swallow their pride and take all the crap that comes while those who don't adapt, more often than not, don't last. As resistant we are to change, it is necessary.
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