That tug-of-war

It's hard being a parent nowadays. We have to ensure that our children grow up just right, else, we'll be seen as a failure. The one question that always comes up when gossiping about that mischievious boy or that uncouth girl is "Who's child is that?". Sad as it may be, that's where we look at when seeing a child misbehave.

It's hard to see a family where only one parent works and the other stays at home to look after the kids, unless of course, the one working also has a side job as an artiste - the singing/acting kind. Personally, I would love to stay home and look after my girl full time, but wifey wouldn't allow it. So, day after day, I find myself trudging to work, trying to make an honest living.

As with many families where both husband and wife are working, we found ourselves grappling with the question of where to send Izza while we worked. Having a maid was out of the question for us as that would mean entrusting the care of our precious to someone we barely know. In wifey's word, I'd rather stop working than hire a maid. So, it was either her mom or mine. Therein, lies the dillemma.

As parents, we want the best for our daughter. As filial son and daughter, we try not to disappoint our parents. The problem is in striking that balance. How many days at my mom's and how many days at her mom's? What about weekends? Would it be fair? At the center of this tug-of-war is the child, oblivious to what's happening. In my example, we agreed on 4 weekdays at my mom's and 1 at her mom's. Unfair? Try reading my early posts and you'll know why.

That arrangement was torn to shred when my dad-in-law complained that they got too little time with her that in time to come, my daughter wouldn't recognise them. Personally, I thought it was not such a bad thing if that were to really happen, but sparing athought for my wife I relented after a long period of consideration. A reeaaallllyyyyy long period of consideration. My point here is that even though the decisions we make as objectively as possible are for our child's own good, we still have to bear in mind the feelings of the other family members, most notably the grandparents.

I mean, I'm lucky that my mom and her mom get along. Izaa would have really long arms by now if they didn't as she'd be stuck in the middle of a really long tug-of-war with no clear winners and neither side wanting to give in. It would be made worse if either was calculative and starts to take into account the extra milliseconds the other patrty gets to spend with Izza. I mean I can't get it why some grandparents act the way they do. I know they love their grandkids, but can't they understand that the child is not their grnadkid alone.

Even if they think that the other family don't look after the child as well as they think they do, there is no need for them to start denying or limiting access to the child for the other family. Having seen this first hand, I pity such parents who are caught in the middle of over-bearing gandparents. I guess, the parents themselves have to be strong and explain clearly to the grandparents the rational of their decisions and not leave the grandparents to second guess. Any changes should be made known to both sides so that there is no misunderstanding, else the grandparents would start calculating the milliseconds.

I know it's hard. It could be overly straining trying to please everyone. The problem is we can't please everyone. The only thing we can do is to make them understand.

Can I say that?

For the longest time, my wife and my sister has been saying that I'm too long-winded and have that tendency to go on and on with my blogs. It's akin to reading a school textbook on a weekend one might say, takes too much of one's time. Then again, I didn't read my textbooks even during the weekdays in my early pre-university days.

I do have to admit that they could be really long, but what can I say, I got a lot of things on my mind. So much to say but it just doesn't come out in normal conversations. I mean who'd want to hear your opinions about third world issues or the rising cost of living when sipping that cup of latte or slurping that ice blended drink at the cafe during one of oh-so-rare time you get to spend with friends or loved ones. We'd all much rather catch up on some gossip and finding out what our present company at that time are up to.

It here that I could really express myself and really say what I want. It's here that I get to compose my thoughts and pen them down with little worry over repercussions or a sound bite from an acidic tongue. There were far too many times, in the midst of trying to make my point, that I somehow managed to say the wrong things and end up hurting the one I was talking to. Somehow, I feel safe here, in the knowledge that whoever the post, or rant, was directed to would get that subtle hint without it coming out the wrong way, I hope.

I have to admit that there were some sly digs, and some dirty linen being washed in public. Thinking back, it's not really the wisest thing to do. Granted that the people I'm throwing mud at don't really know what a URL or what the WWW is. Which means they won't be reading this. Either way, anyone who's been reading my early posts would know that my dislike for my "other" family is understated. Still, sometimes, I can't help it, in spite of dearest's protestations.

Finding a balance is never easy. In fact, it's next to impossible to please everyone. Someone's gotta get the short end of the stick. Personally, I think I've been giving myself the short end of the stick on a regular basis. There were a lot of times when I have backed down from whatever decision that I have made earlier. Call me spineless, but I think backing down doesn't mean I'm in a losing situation all the time. At the very least, I manage to avert another long argument by saying, "Yes dear", "I leave it to you to decide" or "Up to you, honey".

I guess, one thing I've learnt these past few years is that you can't please everyone, but you could please the one who means the most in your life, even if comes at your expense. Plus, I've always believed that love depends a lot on sacrifices you make for one another.