Grappling with uncertainties

Tick tock tick tock.........

The seconds tick by..........

Sitting at his desk, staring at the screen, fingers furiously punching away at the keyboard, he's slowly approaching the defining moment in his life. As he waits for the call that may come at anytime, his thoughts meander through the labyrinths in his mind. Seconds turns to minutes, minutes turns to hours. Questions abound. Questions that have been tearing away at him for the last few months. Questions he could not answer. Now, as the hour approaches, the questions that has been hanging over him seems more and more like a burden he is struggling to shoulder.

The greatest gift - that's what some call it, even if the gift comes with loads of responsibilities. Nevertheless, he knows it's a responsibility that will provide him with an array of intangible benefits, not to mention his source of happiness and pride. At the same time, the burden of responsibilty weighs heavily on his mind, not knowing if he can fulfil his responsibilities and knowing that he'll be answerable for any of his failings. As he grapples with the uncertainties that follows, he leaves it to the Almighty to show him the right path.

Many a father has gone through what I am going through right now as will many more after me, comforting himself in the knowledge that it will all be allright.

A bit dramatic, I'd readily admit. Not every dad-to-be wallows in melodramatic notions. But in the stillness of the nights and in between the lull hours at the office, that's what goes through my mind. Having been married for 4 years, many would say it's high time we started a family. We have never planned to start a family late, in fact, there was no plan. It was just a ride we took from that beautiful day on 7th June 2003 and never got off. I mean, we didn't really make any plans as to when to have a baby, we sort of just got on with life and if it came along, good, else we'd just go on.

Well, that day arrived 8 mths ago when the nurse at KKH said, "Congratulations, you're pregnant" to her. Initially, it was more of a shock than anything else. The realisation that I was soon to be a father did not really sink in till the next day. It was then that I began to have questions in my mind as to my ability to provide for my wife and daughter. I began to reflect on the past 3 and a half years of marriage and asked if I had been a good enough husband and if I could be a good father. As much as a resounding YES would have done a great deal to boost my ego, I know that from that moment, my ego will always come second to my wife's and my child's needs.

With those 3 words, my priorities immediately changed. Gone were the dream of owning that flash car, that cool gadget and that swanky AV system for my home. Those are no longer my personal priorities though I'd be a damn fool to say no to them if the opportunity arises. In their places, my only dream right now is to raise my family well, and hopefully do well enough that my family and I has a place in His good graces.

It's all about her now. No turning back, no quitting.

As for the questions that hang over me, they are still there. And most probably will remain there till the day that I die, for I am only the executor of His will and He will be the one to judge me when the time comes.