That tug-of-war

It's hard being a parent nowadays. We have to ensure that our children grow up just right, else, we'll be seen as a failure. The one question that always comes up when gossiping about that mischievious boy or that uncouth girl is "Who's child is that?". Sad as it may be, that's where we look at when seeing a child misbehave.

It's hard to see a family where only one parent works and the other stays at home to look after the kids, unless of course, the one working also has a side job as an artiste - the singing/acting kind. Personally, I would love to stay home and look after my girl full time, but wifey wouldn't allow it. So, day after day, I find myself trudging to work, trying to make an honest living.

As with many families where both husband and wife are working, we found ourselves grappling with the question of where to send Izza while we worked. Having a maid was out of the question for us as that would mean entrusting the care of our precious to someone we barely know. In wifey's word, I'd rather stop working than hire a maid. So, it was either her mom or mine. Therein, lies the dillemma.

As parents, we want the best for our daughter. As filial son and daughter, we try not to disappoint our parents. The problem is in striking that balance. How many days at my mom's and how many days at her mom's? What about weekends? Would it be fair? At the center of this tug-of-war is the child, oblivious to what's happening. In my example, we agreed on 4 weekdays at my mom's and 1 at her mom's. Unfair? Try reading my early posts and you'll know why.

That arrangement was torn to shred when my dad-in-law complained that they got too little time with her that in time to come, my daughter wouldn't recognise them. Personally, I thought it was not such a bad thing if that were to really happen, but sparing athought for my wife I relented after a long period of consideration. A reeaaallllyyyyy long period of consideration. My point here is that even though the decisions we make as objectively as possible are for our child's own good, we still have to bear in mind the feelings of the other family members, most notably the grandparents.

I mean, I'm lucky that my mom and her mom get along. Izaa would have really long arms by now if they didn't as she'd be stuck in the middle of a really long tug-of-war with no clear winners and neither side wanting to give in. It would be made worse if either was calculative and starts to take into account the extra milliseconds the other patrty gets to spend with Izza. I mean I can't get it why some grandparents act the way they do. I know they love their grandkids, but can't they understand that the child is not their grnadkid alone.

Even if they think that the other family don't look after the child as well as they think they do, there is no need for them to start denying or limiting access to the child for the other family. Having seen this first hand, I pity such parents who are caught in the middle of over-bearing gandparents. I guess, the parents themselves have to be strong and explain clearly to the grandparents the rational of their decisions and not leave the grandparents to second guess. Any changes should be made known to both sides so that there is no misunderstanding, else the grandparents would start calculating the milliseconds.

I know it's hard. It could be overly straining trying to please everyone. The problem is we can't please everyone. The only thing we can do is to make them understand.